Ah, what's the point?

Hey hey everyone. Here's my post for the month. I don't even remember who reads this anymore. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. I get like, NO comments. =(

Oh well, what's the point? RIGHT? AHA. That's my new motto by the way. I never had a motto. This will be my motto. It just fits. So well. With like, everything.

Well, everything for me, anyway.

You know, I probably should be concerned about this line of thinking, but really, what's the point? Ahahaha. Okay. I'll stop that now. But really, let's get down to the nitty gritty. I mean, over the past couple of weeks I had the opportunity to sort of relive past events here and there, and I realize that over the years, I've slowly become the person that I am today. I have no goals. No hopes, no dreams, no...ambition.

I remember back ten years ago, seven years ago, maybe even five years ago, I had all of those things. I was gonna go to college, get a degree, get out there and help people professionally, I was gonna meet a girl, we'd have lunch/dinner on weekends, I'd have my place, I'd have people to talk to, you know, it wasn't the bestest life ever that I was imagining. But it was one that I'd be satisfied with.

And then all of that spiraled downwards into nothingness. Now I just work day to day, giving money to my mother who says every so often, I'll pay you back! Do I care? No. Do I care that I have no life, no niche of satisfaction, no college degree, no girl on my arm, no job helping people, no...nothing? Well. I can't say that I don't care. But I don't have the drive to do all that. What's the point? <= This one is justified. I mean, all I'm going to end up doing is falling flat on my face. Repeatedly. I'm better off just doing with what I can.

Or, to put it as the thought that crossed my mind, "get through life so I can die and not have to worry about anything anymore."

No, I'm not suicidal. Well, yes, I have suicidal thoughts. But I don't think I'd actually go through with any of them. Again, what's the point?

You know, I made some lady in the grocery store cry recently. I was in a bit of a rush, so I was looking for an open checkout aisle, as most of them looked somewhat full. Then there, at the end, checkout lane 9 didn't look like it had a bajillion people in it! I rushed over. And as I got there, apparently this lady had the same idea I did. She had two items, and she just wanted to leave the store I guess. She said to me, "Do you ever notice how the men always get ahead?" I didn't really say anything, but I felt bad, because I didn't really notice her, and so I placed one of those thingies to create a space on the conveyor belt thing and told her that she could go ahead. She refused, and I told her, "Please, I insist." She paused for a moment, and then she decided to take the space. The moment was actually like five seconds. I felt kind of awkward, because a line had started to form behind her, and I was kind of standing out of the way so she could move in.

She did. And she just stood there silently for a bit, and then she told me about how earlier in the day she was at another store and there was this big man in front of her in the doorway or something and he wouldn't move because, as she put it, "He was used to getting his way." And then she told me about how society was so messed up these days and all these other things, and by then the checker had finished with her two items, and she left. She wasn't like CRYING crying, like bawling her eyes out, but I guess the...I don't know. Maybe it was my "kindness" or maybe it was remembering the evil man who stood in front of her. Either way, she teared up a little.

I would like to note that no, this lady was not hot. She was fairly old. Maybe 50s. Not really my type, ey?

And you know, I thought about it. This guy who was in her way, he's probably a total jerk, but he probably gets his way in life. Has the money, has the house, has the girl, has the job, has the hair, etc. etc. etc. And where does that put me? I don't really know. Am I just supposed to be mean to everyone? Is that the secret to life?

I felt really bad for this woman. The one who I let cut in front of me. I don't know why.

But, let's wrap this up. I've got to go to work in the morning. Drag myself out of bed. I do that too, you know. Lie in bed. Wonder, what's the point? Drag myself out. Always late for work. Always. I will never be early or on time for work. And that's just how it is. How it's always been. Before it used to be a joke. Ha ha, you overslept again? But the proper people know the real reason.

Anyway, I wanted to wrap something up. Oh yes. Some of you reading this may be thinking, "Well, if life is so crappy, why don't you try for the things you want anyway? You need to want them to get them to make your life better, right?" Or something along those lines. And to you optimistic soothsayers, I say to you, (wow. I feel really tempted to type that oh so famous motto of mine right here.) But no, what I really want to say is, I've lost any hope that I'm ever going to achieve what I want to achieve. The only way things are going to go my way is if they fall right into my lap. And since we know that's not going to happen, I'm just going to continue getting through life the way I do, until either it happens, or I die. Simple plan, yes? After all, what's the point in trying when you know it's not going to work out?

And to those of you that say, "Well how do you know it's not going to work out?" I say to you: I don't care. I just want to lie in my bed, and sleep. And sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Good night.