Ah, the Italian.

I finished Torchwood. It took me a day. Go figure, huh? It was aite. Towards the end some of the episodes got kind of boring, but the ending was good. Thumbs up.

Oh right, not supposed to talk about movies or shows. My bad.

Having nothing better to talk about, and not wanting to rant about the same old mundane things that I rant about all the time, I will pick something new. How about...pineapples.

So pineapples are pretty good. I like pineapples. I have a friend who doesn't like pineapples. Actually I know more than one person who doesn't like pineapples. It's kind of odd really, because who doesn't like pineapples? I mean, they give out free pineapple at McDonald's in Hawai'i with a purchase of any value meal. At least they used to. They probably don't, anymore. I mean think of all the people coming in to get free pineapple all the time. I know I did. Well, not that often, because it was all the way in Waikiki and it was kind of far for me to go just to get free pineapple.

Anyway, back on topic, pineapples are pretty good. I was offered some pineapple today, but I declined. Actually, I was offered pineapple twice today, but I declined. My stomach isn't feeling too well, you see, and so I figured I probably shouldn't be eating pineapple, what with it being so plentiful and all. I must explode from all the pineapple eating that I would have been doing. Because pineapples are pretty good.

My boss at work wants me to pick up a crate of pineapples when I get back from Hawai'i. Go figure, ey. I guess she really likes her pineapples. I guess I do too, but not enough to want a whole box of pineapple. I mean, that's just a little too much pineapple, don't you think? I swear, some people can get so obsessed over pineapple, it's like a crazy pineapple addiction or something.

So I wonder how many times I typed pineapple today. Must've been...oh...several billion.

I hope you enjoy my silliness. It's certainly better than what I've been pondering about with lately.

Ah, Torchwood.

So, I haven't really posted all this month. I should probably post more or some such.

Having not seen a movie in awhile, I instead find myself watching Torchwood. It's aite so far. I'm only 5 episodes in, after all. And I just started watching...well...about 4 hours ago. Ha. Ha.

I'm kind of hungry.

Life for me at the moment is...well...confusing. Well, not really confusing. It's just...I don't know what I should be doing. In terms offffffff...things. This is hard to explain. Ha.

Imagine for a moment, a shining diamond, a treasure beyond treasures, whatever you will. Placed inside of a room. The door is closing fast! Do you risk it all? Do you risk the dangers, the ceiling coming down on you, the door crushing your very entry, the flaming arrows, all the traps and hazards and everything you could possibly imagine, all for the treasure of a lifetime? Or do you stay, outside, away from harm's away, and dwell upon what could have been?

That's...kind of sort of what it's like. Except...more complicated.

I think...ugh. Risking it all...I know I'm going to regret it. Why? Because...I won't be able to make it past the traps.

But I know that not risking it...I'll just dwell on what could have been. And it's driving me crazy. I just wish that sometimes I could make sure that the treasure would surely be mine. Then I'd know that it'd be okay to risk it all, because it would be okay. But I guess that's not really a risk, knowing that it'd be safe.

But the risks would still be there! Because having the treasure would always be a risk. The risk of losing it. And that's a risk I'm willing to take. Just not the risk of losing before I've even started.

I guess that's all.

Ah, lost faith.

I have not watched a movie in a very long time.

Hm.

The list just keeps getting longer and longer though. Gotta start up again sometime or something.

Yeah I forgot what I was going to post. My bad. Maybe inspiration will hit me later.

Ah, confusion.

So I'll be going to Hawai'i soon. I'm more excited now than I was before, but I'm still not at that point of "omg"ness. I don't know why. Maybe I'm not looking that much forward to it or something like that.

I had a dream. I woke up now to write about that dream on my blog. It was a very confusing dream. Not because I didn't understand it, but because...

Some of you can call me superstitious. Back when I was younger I didn't remember my dreams much. What I did remember came true. Yes, you heard that right, I was a PROPHET. Aha. No, not quite like that, but certain events and elements and things like that in my dreams came true. And while these things didn't make sense or what not, they came true regardless. A good example of this would be the eyes. One day I dreamt that there were a whole bunch of eyes, just floating there at school. And I woke up and of course, I was confused, because at the time I knew that my dreams came true and so to see something like that I had no idea what it meant.

And then later that day it seemed that Jessica and her best friend Diana got into this really really huge fight and Jessica's way of calming herself down was to draw numerous eyes in her notebook. Yes, eyes. Also when I went to english class that day there happened to be a "Requiem for a Dream" movie poster on my desk, which if you didn't know, features a large eye.

Of course, some may say that I'm just associating my dream to random events that happen, and while that may be true, that's a lot of coincidences.

I don't dream about the future anymore though. Now days I have your typical dreams about what not. And none of them come true. At least, I don't remember my dreams well enough anyway, but the stuff I do remember hasn't come true for the most part. Today though...today was very unnerving. Now days it's more what I make of it, right? Like, I have to make it come true myself. Or...something. But...AHHHH. Ayah, so confusing.

This is certainly something to think about.

On a lighter note...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vFldBVWFgWo <= This was really funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIRCzbBB99E <= This is really awesome. Can you name all the songs they used? I can't. But hey, good for Mario fans and music fans everywhere =D

I guess that's all.

Ah, deal making.

Success! I have negotiated approval of my trip to Hawai'i as well as further trips down the road.
Sacrifices I have made? Well. Not much, really. Just daily bible reading. With my mother. And I feel about this...how? I don't know. Ambivalence rules the day. I am ambivalent.

This month...memories flood to me like...a flood. I remember things, regrets, emotions.

Going to Hawai'i. I don't know what to say about it. I'm not...particularly excited. I actually don't know how I feel about it. I think part of me is nervous. The other part feels...nothing.

What do I really feel. I don't want to rant about girls again but I guess that's where it always leads to.

I wonder what leads a girl to like a guy. Being a guy myself, I wouldn't know. But consider this, for a moment. Say a girl likes a guy because he likes her? I mean, well, I'm not sure what I mean. But in today's society, oftentimes it's the male who has to initiate these things, asking the girl out, providing for her, caring for her, and the like.

And so in this regard the girl holds VAST power, because she can just say no. Which sucks.

I remember my rather futile attempts at this. And then of course I just stopped trying after a couple years. It was pretty pointless after all. It wasn't like any girl was going to say yes any time soon. And it's not like people gave any advice that was really helpful or beneficial, no offense to all you wonderful people.

And now...and now. I'm planning that trip to California again, and I'm going to see her during my trip. Or at least, I hope to see her. Well, most likely I will be seeing her. Unless she says no. Because girls seem to like saying no to me, heh. But yeah. And then what?

Meaningless. She'll just say no. Or I'll sit there helplessly and watch as we talk about the things we talk about without her ever really knowing that it'd be nice if we got together.

Sigh.

Ah, negotiations.

I negotiated with my mother about my trip to Hawai'i. Her terms were..unforgiving. She relented some, but she won't give up on one important issue that she needs to give up on.

So for now, well. It seems like I might not be going to Hawai'i. On the other hand, I think she might relent. We'll see how that goes.

I'm pretty sure I'll win this.

Uhm...yeah. I could write more, but yeah. I dunno. For now I should sleep or something.

Ah, Hawai'i.

So it seems that maybe I should take a trip to Hawai'i.

Why should I go? There are apparently two graduations I can attend, as well as seeing family and hanging out with people I know.

Why shouldn't I go? My mom doesn't want me to go, it is SOMEWHAT pricey, and I guess that's it.

Suggestions?

Ah, Youtube.

So, I haven't really posted all that much this month, despite the fact that I wanted to post like every day. I guess this blog has lost its appeal. Well not REALLY, but...something along those lines. I won't bore you with the details.

So I wrote this long post about how I was looking for this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6S5ebMzrPsw
and was asking for help in finding it. But I found it. So there goes those two paragraphs.

Speaking of Youtube, I started uploading videos to Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/user/Jaiphonderby
Go lookie! You probably all won't be interested, but you should look in from time to time because who knows, I might do a song that you like! Or if you have a request you can comment here. Or something. Or you could subscribe to me. Eheh.

Sigh. The song that I was looking for, Kiss - Without You? The youtube video up there? There was this one Monday where I just sat in my chair listening to that song for 7-8 hours straight. Just sitting there. Listening to it. It was the Monday after my high school's prom, in case you were wondering. I'm sure most of you know what day that was.

At least, the ones who remember, anyway. I KNOW ONE PERSON WHO DIDN'T. YES I'M TALKING TO YOU. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. :P

Anyway, it's late. I'll try to update more. I'll leave you with, I made a new penpal! She lives in New York. This is all.

Ah, hiatuses.

Well I haven't really posted in awhile. I guess people don't like to hear about drama type stuff.

I guess I could always type about MOVIES. And TV SHOWS. I've been watching a lot of those lately. Why, as I'm typing this I'm watching Black Snake Moan. Not like any of you care, but still.

But apparently that's no fun either. So I guess I'll post about stuff that's been happening at work, which, surprisingly, is rather amusing.

So that Cici guy, well. Apparently on Wednesday night there was some discussion about going off to see the Iron Man movie. And of course Suesan didn't want to go, well not with him at any rate. So she tried to drag James into it. And I'm not too sure on all the details, but Cici gave Suesan his number so she could call him up so they could go see IRON MAN together.

And James, meanwhile, is cracking up to himself because Cici is so enthusiastic about seeing IRON MAN. With Suesan. (lol)

So on Thursday morning when Cici comes in for work he's all smiles and excitedness and jumping for joy and he's all like "SO SUESAN, I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE WEEKEND SO WE CAN GO SEE IRON MAN." And I'm like holy crap what happened last night (because I wasn't there for it) and then he was like "Hey Mai you should come too!" And Mai was like "Oh, I don't know about that, I have to go study for my interview," and stuff. Etc.

Just for clarification, Cici has already seen Iron Man. The rest of us haven't. But he said he wouldn't mind seeing it again because it was just that good. Or in other words, he wouldn't mind going to see Iron Man with SUESAN. lawwwwwl.

When I tell it this way, it doesn't seem as funny. I think that vital pieces are missing. Let's see if I can fill in the gaps...

Later though. I'm tired.

Ah, people are jerks.

People are jerks.

Ah, what's wrong with that.

Ellen is here! Yay! I got to play with Diane for like the whoooooooole day and it was so fun omgosh.

So. Couple things.

Work is interesting. Cici (you all remember him, don't you?) is....well. I don't know what to say about him. Suesan's hair happened to be "down" on this particular day (which basically means that it was all nice and fluffy and it looked like she was about to go clubbing or some such) and Cici walks in and he's like, "WHOA!" really, really loudly. And I start laughing quietly and Suesan's trying to ignore him and Mai's just ringing up customers and Cici starts this conversation about her rolling out of bed with her awesome hair and etc. And it was pretty funny.

Later on he manages to catch her and start up this conversation about shampoo at Trader Joe's and he could "hook her up with some" to get that glossy shine on her hair. Oh, too funny.

Yeah but...on the flip side, well. Of course Suesan is really mad about it and all because you know, while he's gabbing away he's not really WORKING, you know? And like, Cici comes up to me and asks, "Hey what's wrong with Suesan she seems kind of sad today," and I was trying to think up a clever answer (I was ringing up a customer at the time, mind you,) that would you know, get him off her back and stuff but before I can say anything he just whips off into the kitchen to talk to her. And I'm thinking to myself poor, poor Suesan.

Turns out that when he went in there he said, and I quote (with more or less perfect accuracy), "Hey Suesan, why are you so sad today did someone in your family die?" Or something to that effect. Which is pretty messed up, am I right? And she just kind of. Well. Shrugged it off, I guess. But hoo she was mad about it.

I heard some crazy stuff happened at the restaurant today too but I wasn't there. Cuz I had the whoooooooole day off because I was playing with the cutest baby everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Well maybe not the cutest, but certainly one of the smartest. Gee whiz.

BACK ON TOPIC...

I am conflicted. Highly conflicted. There are many different things, both external and internal, trying to pull me in twenty different directions at once, and I don't know what the hell I am doing. And the worst part is that they're all interconnected. WHICH IS HORRIBLE.

So, I like working at the restaurant. It's nice. The people are fun, the experiences are memorable, etc. Now my mom is trying to hook me up with a bank job. Like at Bank of America. Which would be nice, considering it's relative closeness/presumably higher rate of pay. Chances are, I'll probably land this job, because we've got a friend who is a branch manager and stuff who's going to talk to the guy for me.

But do I want to leave the restaurant? My mom says yes. I...don't know. I like working at the restaurant. Furthermore, I get free food as well as a very very flexible schedule. And so having more money would be nice. However, my flexible schedule is really awesome, because I can be late for work every day which is good for me, because I'm really bad with the whole punctuality thing. Not to mention that I can pretty much get vacations whenever I want, which is nice, because then I can go hit up places I want to go. Like California. And see people I want to see. Like her. In August.

Which again is another issue. If I hook up with a real job up here in Seattle, then chances are I'd probably be in more of a state to be a permanent resident here. Which, I don't know if I want to do, because I would like to move back to California. Living in Washington has its stability, but living in California would be a comfort. Because then I could see people I knew and we'd have fun and just go out for a drink sometimes or just say hi or all those things. And maybe see her more often.

And then of course there's my mother. I mean, I can't guarantee that I can land a solid job in California when I move, right? And no doubt I'll still have to maintain some degree of support for her somehow. Which would be easier to do if I were in Washington, but...to pursue my interests I'd want to move to California.

Which brings religion into the whole mess of things, sigh. My mom wants me to convert. And now days, she's REALLY pushing for it. Which is really really making me not want to go for it. Even though I kind of do. But what's holding me back is the idea that there's no point in living forever if I don't have anyone to live forever with. And no one seems to really understand that. I guess I'm weird like that.

Which of course, intertwines with the best problem of all, and you probably all know what it is considering I secretly rant about it like every day to myself.

Ah, but the true problem lies with...I don't know. Loneliness? I think that my loneliness is just making me reach out and go for the girl that just feels like she won't reject me in the face. Deep down though...I feel like she'll reject me anyway. What makes this so freaking hard is...well. Well she's reading this. BUT THAT'S NOT ...sigh. No, this is waaaaaaay more complicated than that.

I am conflicted, because of all of these things, but most of all I am conflicted because I don't want my liking this girl because I'm lonely and she's like, there, you know? I want it to be because I really do like her, and I think I really do like her, but I can't be totally completely sure, you know? And I don't think I'll ever be sure because there's always been that loneliness/desperation there and it's not like I can make it go away or date another girl just to test whether or not my feelings are transient.

And these things are all tied together. Sigh.

Since I know you're reading this, and I know that you have no idea that you're you, I think it would be interesting to hear your thoughts on the matter. I know I won't though, because you're one of my readers that doesn't leave comments. I can't even be sure you actually ARE reading this. I mean you tell me that you've read my blog, but are you STILL reading it?

And well. This whole relationship thing is way more complicated then everything I've written down so far. All this is just the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately. Sigh. I wish I had a pet to sit in my lap at times like these. Or maybe a hug. From you.

Good night then.