Ah, deal making.

Success! I have negotiated approval of my trip to Hawai'i as well as further trips down the road.
Sacrifices I have made? Well. Not much, really. Just daily bible reading. With my mother. And I feel about this...how? I don't know. Ambivalence rules the day. I am ambivalent.

This month...memories flood to me like...a flood. I remember things, regrets, emotions.

Going to Hawai'i. I don't know what to say about it. I'm not...particularly excited. I actually don't know how I feel about it. I think part of me is nervous. The other part feels...nothing.

What do I really feel. I don't want to rant about girls again but I guess that's where it always leads to.

I wonder what leads a girl to like a guy. Being a guy myself, I wouldn't know. But consider this, for a moment. Say a girl likes a guy because he likes her? I mean, well, I'm not sure what I mean. But in today's society, oftentimes it's the male who has to initiate these things, asking the girl out, providing for her, caring for her, and the like.

And so in this regard the girl holds VAST power, because she can just say no. Which sucks.

I remember my rather futile attempts at this. And then of course I just stopped trying after a couple years. It was pretty pointless after all. It wasn't like any girl was going to say yes any time soon. And it's not like people gave any advice that was really helpful or beneficial, no offense to all you wonderful people.

And now...and now. I'm planning that trip to California again, and I'm going to see her during my trip. Or at least, I hope to see her. Well, most likely I will be seeing her. Unless she says no. Because girls seem to like saying no to me, heh. But yeah. And then what?

Meaningless. She'll just say no. Or I'll sit there helplessly and watch as we talk about the things we talk about without her ever really knowing that it'd be nice if we got together.

Sigh.