Ah, what's wrong with that.

Ellen is here! Yay! I got to play with Diane for like the whoooooooole day and it was so fun omgosh.

So. Couple things.

Work is interesting. Cici (you all remember him, don't you?) is....well. I don't know what to say about him. Suesan's hair happened to be "down" on this particular day (which basically means that it was all nice and fluffy and it looked like she was about to go clubbing or some such) and Cici walks in and he's like, "WHOA!" really, really loudly. And I start laughing quietly and Suesan's trying to ignore him and Mai's just ringing up customers and Cici starts this conversation about her rolling out of bed with her awesome hair and etc. And it was pretty funny.

Later on he manages to catch her and start up this conversation about shampoo at Trader Joe's and he could "hook her up with some" to get that glossy shine on her hair. Oh, too funny.

Yeah but...on the flip side, well. Of course Suesan is really mad about it and all because you know, while he's gabbing away he's not really WORKING, you know? And like, Cici comes up to me and asks, "Hey what's wrong with Suesan she seems kind of sad today," and I was trying to think up a clever answer (I was ringing up a customer at the time, mind you,) that would you know, get him off her back and stuff but before I can say anything he just whips off into the kitchen to talk to her. And I'm thinking to myself poor, poor Suesan.

Turns out that when he went in there he said, and I quote (with more or less perfect accuracy), "Hey Suesan, why are you so sad today did someone in your family die?" Or something to that effect. Which is pretty messed up, am I right? And she just kind of. Well. Shrugged it off, I guess. But hoo she was mad about it.

I heard some crazy stuff happened at the restaurant today too but I wasn't there. Cuz I had the whoooooooole day off because I was playing with the cutest baby everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Well maybe not the cutest, but certainly one of the smartest. Gee whiz.

BACK ON TOPIC...

I am conflicted. Highly conflicted. There are many different things, both external and internal, trying to pull me in twenty different directions at once, and I don't know what the hell I am doing. And the worst part is that they're all interconnected. WHICH IS HORRIBLE.

So, I like working at the restaurant. It's nice. The people are fun, the experiences are memorable, etc. Now my mom is trying to hook me up with a bank job. Like at Bank of America. Which would be nice, considering it's relative closeness/presumably higher rate of pay. Chances are, I'll probably land this job, because we've got a friend who is a branch manager and stuff who's going to talk to the guy for me.

But do I want to leave the restaurant? My mom says yes. I...don't know. I like working at the restaurant. Furthermore, I get free food as well as a very very flexible schedule. And so having more money would be nice. However, my flexible schedule is really awesome, because I can be late for work every day which is good for me, because I'm really bad with the whole punctuality thing. Not to mention that I can pretty much get vacations whenever I want, which is nice, because then I can go hit up places I want to go. Like California. And see people I want to see. Like her. In August.

Which again is another issue. If I hook up with a real job up here in Seattle, then chances are I'd probably be in more of a state to be a permanent resident here. Which, I don't know if I want to do, because I would like to move back to California. Living in Washington has its stability, but living in California would be a comfort. Because then I could see people I knew and we'd have fun and just go out for a drink sometimes or just say hi or all those things. And maybe see her more often.

And then of course there's my mother. I mean, I can't guarantee that I can land a solid job in California when I move, right? And no doubt I'll still have to maintain some degree of support for her somehow. Which would be easier to do if I were in Washington, but...to pursue my interests I'd want to move to California.

Which brings religion into the whole mess of things, sigh. My mom wants me to convert. And now days, she's REALLY pushing for it. Which is really really making me not want to go for it. Even though I kind of do. But what's holding me back is the idea that there's no point in living forever if I don't have anyone to live forever with. And no one seems to really understand that. I guess I'm weird like that.

Which of course, intertwines with the best problem of all, and you probably all know what it is considering I secretly rant about it like every day to myself.

Ah, but the true problem lies with...I don't know. Loneliness? I think that my loneliness is just making me reach out and go for the girl that just feels like she won't reject me in the face. Deep down though...I feel like she'll reject me anyway. What makes this so freaking hard is...well. Well she's reading this. BUT THAT'S NOT ...sigh. No, this is waaaaaaay more complicated than that.

I am conflicted, because of all of these things, but most of all I am conflicted because I don't want my liking this girl because I'm lonely and she's like, there, you know? I want it to be because I really do like her, and I think I really do like her, but I can't be totally completely sure, you know? And I don't think I'll ever be sure because there's always been that loneliness/desperation there and it's not like I can make it go away or date another girl just to test whether or not my feelings are transient.

And these things are all tied together. Sigh.

Since I know you're reading this, and I know that you have no idea that you're you, I think it would be interesting to hear your thoughts on the matter. I know I won't though, because you're one of my readers that doesn't leave comments. I can't even be sure you actually ARE reading this. I mean you tell me that you've read my blog, but are you STILL reading it?

And well. This whole relationship thing is way more complicated then everything I've written down so far. All this is just the tip of the iceberg, unfortunately. Sigh. I wish I had a pet to sit in my lap at times like these. Or maybe a hug. From you.

Good night then.